Two Doors Down
Dear Dharma,
I met my boyfriend online 6 months ago. He meets all the categories of my ideal person. It’s only been 6 months but I am completely head over heels for this guy.
Anyways, long story short, I was at the grocery store the other day and I saw him there with what looked like a wife and children. He didn’t see me. It felt like something out of a movie.
I confronted him that night and it turns out my suspicions were right. He is living a double life and has a wife and two kids, just down the block from me!
He says he has been trying to leave her and wants to get a divorce. Obviously I can’t be with a married man – OMG, I’m the other woman!
I’m devastated. How do I move on? Do I need to tell his wife? What kind of guy does that?! And the fact that me – his mistress! – lives in the same neighbourhood? He’s such an idiot, it’s like he wanted to get caught or something.
Please help, Dharma!
Broken
Dear Broken,
I’m so sorry, what a terrible blow. Getting groceries should never turn into a life altering experience.
I’m relieved that it sounds like you have no intention of staying in this relationship. Broken trust is one of the hardest things to repair, and this guy has smashed all semblance of an honest situation into smithereens.
I guess if he’s been trying to leave his wife and wants a divorce, you telling her would certainly hurry that process along. I’m not sure that’s the best thing though, as it keeps you embedded in the drama for longer than necessary and doesn’t put you on the path of “moving on” anytime soon.
Examine your motivation for wanting to tell her, and if it’s simply revenge (which would be completely understandable!) than perhaps wait until you’ve cooled off a bit to evaluate how you would feel about handling things that way.
If it’s because you would want to know if you were in the same situation (also understandable) than perhaps you can entertain that notion once some healing has happened.
And healing, my dear friend, is what you need to work on.
Don’t let the awful actions of one man turn you into an untrusting soul. What he did was terrible, but be thankful you only have 6 months invested – and that you don’t have a couple of kids with this jerk. Because as bad as you feel right now, understand that his wife is the biggest victim of all here.
Give yourself time, and don’t beat yourself up over anything. Nothing that has happened is your fault. You were unknowingly thrust into the middle of this triangle and you are doing the right thing by extracting yourself immediately.
If putting this behind you requires the help of a counsellor, don’t even hesitate. Matters of the heart are often complicated, and needing a little guidance is nothing to be ashamed of.
Written by Dear Dharma, an advice columnist.
